Manly, NSW: The beautiful seaside suburb of Manly has become an unexpected paradise—for bike thieves, that is. Residents are up in arms (and off their bikes) as thefts of bicycles, particularly the coveted e-bikes, skyrocket. The local police and Northern Beaches Council are under fire for their perceived inaction, leaving many wondering if they should just put up a sign: “Free Bikes! Take One!”
The Great Bike Heist
It’s become a common sight in Manly: one moment, you’re pedaling joyfully along the beach, the next, your bike is gone, snatched away by a shadowy figure who seems to vanish into thin air. “It’s like magic, but the bad kind,” complained Hugh Jass, a longtime Manly resident. “I parked my e-bike outside a café, turned around to order a coffee, and poof—it was gone! I didn’t even have time to say ‘extra froth’!”
The situation has gotten so dire that some locals have started chaining their bikes to themselves. “I use a 20-meter chain now,” said Bea O’Problem, another victim of the Great Bike Heist. “It’s heavy and cumbersome, but at least it hasn’t been stolen yet. I’m basically a human bike rack at this point.”
Council and Police: Missing in Action?
Frustration with the local authorities is at an all-time high. “The Northern Beaches Council might as well be handing out bikes to thieves,” grumbled Ima Whinge, a vocal critic on local social media forums. “It’s like Manly has become a bike shop with a 100% discount for criminals. They’re so bold now; they’ll steal your bike while you’re still on it!”
The police have been criticized for their slow response times and lack of visible action. “We need undercover officers posing as bikes,” suggested Stan Still, a local resident. “Or maybe we could install decoy bikes rigged with alarms and paint bombs. Anything to stop these kleptomaniac cyclists!”
Creative (and Hilarious) Solutions
Residents have come up with some inventive (if not slightly absurd) ideas to combat the rampant bike thefts. “How about a bike watch program? We could have a group of volunteers patrolling the streets on tandem bikes,” proposed Al Beback. “Or we could train seagulls to attack anyone who tries to steal a bike. They already know how to snatch chips; bikes can’t be that much harder.”
Others have suggested more high-tech solutions. “GPS trackers hidden in the handlebars, electric shocks for unauthorized users, maybe even drones that follow your bike around,” listed Anita Ride, an avid cyclist. “It’s 2024, people! We have the technology.”
A Call to Action
As the thefts continue unabated, Manly residents are calling for immediate action from their local authorities. “We can’t just sit around and watch our bikes disappear,” said Hugh Jass, holding up a sign that read, “Protect Our Pedals!” “We need more patrols, better surveillance, and maybe a few good old-fashioned sting operations.”
In the meantime, Manly has become a battleground for bike owners and thieves, with residents taking extra precautions to protect their beloved two-wheelers. So next time you visit Manly, hold onto your bikes—and if all else fails, maybe consider investing in a very long chain.
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